Mom and Margaret
maybe you should not read this one
So this is it….The big birthday week. And we are all trying really hard thinking of ways we can make IT stay away…..but we know we can’t.
Margaret’s birthday is Tuesday and then…...my father’s birthday will be Wednesday……Ash Wednesday…… and we have to do it without him.
I keep telling myself we should celebrate. It was so wonderful having him here with us. He truly left the world a better place. Life and Love should always be celebrated.
RIGHT???
And then I cry.
And then I think we should celebrate Margaret’s birthday even though she doesn't want to. I can hear our father saying……”You have to celebrate. It is better then the alternative.” And I laugh and I wonder...Does he still think that……I can also hear him say; “Of course you will celebrate. I am so glad she is there with you.”….and then I think….. I am glad she is here too and then I cry.
We all cry…….separately.
It has been a very hard month for all of us.
Stupid February!
I haven’t posted much at all this month just because I really don’t know what to do. I have been dreading this whole week. I have been holding my breath all month not wanting to think about it at all.
So
Should I post his picture on Black and White Wednesday? After all it is his birthday and I really like playing that game….. Do I post a picture of him and Margaret? After all we always celebrate their birthdays together……Or do I do nothing?
I just don’t know what to do,
But I do know I miss him.
I miss him being excited about life……..and because today is Valentines Day and he always made it special for our mother. I miss him being excited because James in now at a University and Matthew made the Dean’s list at the community college and he is still in high school. I miss hearing his “WOW”.
I miss him being excited because Stephen is such a do-er and being so very pleased because Steve "did it" just the way he would of. I miss hearing him call all the girls "Dear" and everyone of those girls…..young or old….whether they knew him or not..… thought they WERE his one and only very special
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Please don't forget to Ask Congress to support the Lung Cancer Mortality Reduction Act of 2009....It really is very, very important. It could save your life or someone you love.
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteIt is only the start of the "Year of Firsts". The First Thanksgiving, the First Christmas, the First New Year's Eve, The First Birthday, the First Father's Day. All being the "first" time without your Dad. Each holiday seems more agonizing than the first, and the build-up to each one can actually be worse than the day itself. Don't psych yourself out. It's helpful to stay busy. It helped me. Because in trying to distract yourself from actually acknowledging"the day"..you ARE getting through it.Little by little, without you realizing it, these painful times are moving behind you. As I experienced with the loss of my parents, the sadness will always be there, but the passage of time has lessened that terrible pain. It will for you too.....I promise.
Celebrate his birthday. Make a big chocolate cake for everyone..and make his favorite Cinnamon Rolls. You KNOW he would really love that.
XOXOXO AM
Oh my...my sweet friend. Your pain is obvious...so real and raw it spills forth through your writing. You know your father well...and know what he would want (you even spelled it out in this post). The hard part will be carrying through with it...without him. Am so very sorry. :( I know, from firsthand experience with the Finnell's though...you ALL will get through it TOGETHER: just like you've made it to this point...TOGETHER. Will pray for you ALL tonight. Am so thankful you started this blog...for even though we're neighbors, sadly, I wouldn't know what was going on in your life without this. I sincerely miss those end-of-the-driveway midsummer night chats! Much love...
ReplyDeleteI would celebrate Margaret's birthday bigger than ever! My grandson was born on the anniversary of my dad's death...I celebrate that day and not let the previous sadness dull it in anyway! It's better to celebrate the here and now, accept what we can not change and be thankful for what was. Better to try and celebrate than to regret "not" celebrating!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this has been such a tough month for you....understanably so.
ReplyDeleteI think no matter what decision you make regarding the birthdays, you honor him each and every day with your loving tributes and memories.
Ah - the firsts are hard aren't they? I have been thinking of you all this week - knowing that your Dad's birthday was this week via Jen's blog.
ReplyDeleteWe just passed the 1st anniversary of my Dad's passing - it was difficult. I still cry and get sad - but I also still try to be thankful for all we've had!
Remember him and celebrate his wonderful life!
I am thinking of you all, today and always.
Bridget
I cry for your pain.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss.